I’ve been thinking about options about doing foster care or the big sister/brother program, since I will be less busy and more efficient next year teaching. I still do not have any conclusive decisions.
In regards to roommate situations for next year, things are up in the air. I’m extremely excited about living with Kamil and Kat next year. Where, with whom, etc. is still a big question. We may not know all the details until August because apartments in New York are rented on the spot, rather than in advance.
Medical school prospects look auspicious. I’m applying to D.O. and M.D. schools. My top choice is Michigan (far reach school) or Michigan State. I know many people at both schools. Wayne State has financial and accreditation issues, so I will stay away from it. I’ll apply to an array of other schools totaling more than 20 M.D. and D.O. by the end of the it all. Lots of secondary applications!
I cannot decide which church to go to. Lately, the MCAT and medical school applications have been “my church.” Now that school is coming to an end, I will be realign myself. Redeemer Presbyterian seems promising. Although Manhattan Mennonite is top notch, the community Redeemer provides may be a higher priority. I might do both. I’m torn about the community at my local church: it’s highly social justice oriented and I know people there, yet I feel alone.
Speaking of being alone, as I get older and see more of my friends getting married, especially Christian friends–secular friends seem to follow marrying much later–I pine for a relationship. Community and relationships are the core of being. I will forever be fragmented without a close intimate companion–i.e. marriage. Marriage is a purpose of life, along with family. I could name all the girls I have liked in my life on one hand. At this point, that handful of girls is down to one and there is little hope. I cannot like girls I do not know for an extended amount of time. Love overcomes all. Love is rare.
The only way to match with a loving person is to become a loving person yourself. Like dissolves like to create a single being out of two people. In reflecting about myself, as the pressure to perform escalates with the more skills and responsibilities I gain, the less idealistic and more normal seeming I become. There are endless temptations to underperform. I could call more parents, plan better lessons, talk to students more, give presents to students, plan field trips, help more with afterschool activities, but I sometimes veg out, wasting time with less important things, or the worst, wasting time on the internet.
This makes me understand the Amish way. While technology is a haven for medical advancements, some technologies hinder the quality of human communications. Without TV (I have no TV, but I still watch shows on my laptop) and the internet, Amish people spend more time with their families than average Americans. My parents have the same issues. Often when I come home, my mom is watching shows on TV or on the computer and my dad is doing something on the computer. The only time I talk with my parents for extended conversations is on hikes, which I never go on because I make excuses about being busy with other things.
I often prioritize school, jobs or other activities above relationships. The only way I can often spend a lot of time with a person is if I live with them, such as living with Kamil, my parents, my grandma or in the dorms, or isolate myself in nature or on a trip with a person. Although I have the desire to be in close community, whenever the temptation to retreat to technology or “more productive” activities arises, I often neglect community. This goes back to the psychology of addiction (dopamine) between liking and wanting. I may not like something, but still want to do it. I may not like productivity/technology because it makes me neglect community, but I still want to do it. Addicts eventually stop liking hard drugs, but they still want the drugs. Liking is controlled by the conscience (superego), whereas wanting is controlled by the unconscious (id).
Ultimately, this is a battle between the conscious and carnal nature, as the Bible describes. Nothing new.
I’m becoming continuously more conflicted on what my ideal entails. On one hand, it would be amazing to preach Jesus with every fiber of my being. On the other hand, I should not bury my talents God has given me to multiply. Some people have no other option but to become preachers. Others can become doctors to assist preaching. The biggest two hurdles to me going into preaching is, one, not having rhetorical skills (although it did not stop Moses), and two, having no role model other than Jesus to look up to. Until I found imperfections with by human role models, such as Rob Bell and Shane Claiborne (they are great people and so are you!), I was more motivated.
Jesus confuses me. Most of all, he’s supernatural, yet truth at the same time. All my conversations with Kamil stumble at this fact. I cannot explain it.
I’m more about word than deed; dreaming than reality; hope than love; faith than truth. I’m blessed to humble myself. I’m too haughty. Otherwise, I have no baseline from which to improve, becoming apathetic. You are better than me. I like to love you and often do not want to. Love without truth blinds, and truth without love kills. I must talk less and do more. The world can’t wait. God can’t wait.
I'm a Jesus-follower since sixteen. Life is for God's happiness, not mine or yours. Prayerfully, my identity reflects some of God's purpose: love one another.



